Why I Keep Candy in My Kid's Room - Raising Strong Independent Children

One of the most common debates in parenting revolves around sugar and candy. Many parents tightly regulate their children’s access to sweets, fearing overconsumption and unhealthy habits. In our household, however, we take a different approach. My children keep candy in their nightstands. They know it’s there, it’s not forbidden, and they aren’t tempted to binge on it because we’ve taught them to set their own boundaries. There’s an understanding that candy isn’t for first thing in the morning, that they need to eat healthy food first, and that two small pieces per day is a reasonable limit. While our youngest occasionally sneaks a treat, overall, the system works.

This experience has led me to think deeply about how we build trust with our children and how our own childhood restrictions shape our behaviors as adults.

The Cycle of Deprivation and Overindulgence

Many of us grew up in homes where certain things were strictly off-limits. Maybe it was junk food, video games, money, or even discussions about difficult topics. While these restrictions may have been well-intended, they often led to the exact behaviors our parents were trying to prevent.

Consider the case of food. Studies have shown that children who grow up in households where certain foods are entirely forbidden are more likely to overindulge when they gain access to them later in life. According to a study published in Appetite, children who were restricted from eating certain treats were more likely to overeat those very foods when given the chance (Fisher & Birch, 1999). The same principle applies to other areas of life, such as finances, technology, and even substances.

How many of us, after growing up in strict households, found ourselves struggling with self-regulation in adulthood? The college student who finally has access to unlimited junk food and gains weight rapidly. The young adult who overspends the moment they get a credit card because they never learned how to manage money. The teenager who sneaks out and rebels because they were never allowed autonomy. These behaviors often stem from a lack of trust and a reliance on external enforcement rather than internal discipline.

Trust as a Foundation for Self-Regulation

Teaching children to set their own boundaries fosters trust in both directions: they learn to trust themselves, and we, as parents, show that we trust them. When children know that they are not under constant surveillance, they develop a sense of responsibility.

According to Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, “Children who feel trusted are more likely to want to live up to that trust. When parents remove the forbidden-fruit effect, kids learn that their choices matter” (Markham, 2012). Instead of an external authority figure dictating what is right or wrong, they internalize those rules and learn to navigate their impulses in a healthy way.

The Impact of Restriction

To truly understand the impact of restriction, we can draw parallels between childhood limitations and the struggles many adults face. If we were never given the opportunity to learn moderation, we often develop unhealthy relationships with the very things that were kept from us.

Take alcohol, for example. Many people who grew up in strict, no-alcohol households are more likely to binge drink when they first encounter it in social settings. A study from The Journal of Adolescent Health found that adolescents who had extremely restrictive parents regarding alcohol were more likely to engage in binge drinking behaviors when exposed to it (Jackson et al., 2014). The absence of gradual exposure and education led to overindulgence and riskier behaviors.

Now consider financial habits. A child who was never allowed to have or manage money may struggle with budgeting as an adult. Research published in The Journal of Consumer Affairs highlights how financial literacy and early exposure to money management in childhood significantly impact adult financial stability (Lusardi, 2019). When children are not trusted with small amounts of money to make their own purchasing decisions, they often struggle with financial responsibility later in life.

Even relationships can be affected. When affection, autonomy, or even mistakes were heavily controlled in childhood, adults often struggle with trust and independence in their own relationships.

The Importance of Low-Stakes Decision-Making

By giving children controlled freedom in low-stakes environments, we help them develop the skills they need for bigger decisions later. A child who learns to regulate their own candy intake is practicing self-control. A teenager who manages their own screen time without strict parental intervention is learning digital discipline. A young adult who has been trusted with small amounts of money will be better prepared to handle financial independence.

Psychologist Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, argues that kids learn best when they are involved in problem-solving rather than being subjected to rigid rules. He states, “Kids do well if they can. If they can’t, we need to help them develop the skills to do so” (Greene, 2014).

Building a Trust-Based Relationship

So, how do we build a parenting approach centered on trust and self-regulation?

1. Start Small: Give your child manageable opportunities to make decisions. Whether it’s choosing their own clothes, managing a small allowance, or having access to candy, start with things that won’t have major consequences if they mess up.

2. Set Clear Expectations: Just because you’re allowing freedom doesn’t mean there are no guidelines. Explain the reasoning behind your expectations—why candy before bed isn’t a great idea, why too much screen time isn’t healthy, or why saving money is important.

3. Be a Role Model: Kids learn from what they see. If they watch you practicing moderation—eating sweets in balance, using technology responsibly, managing money wisely—they are more likely to do the same.

4. Allow for Mistakes: Mistakes are part of learning. If your child sneaks candy, overspends their allowance, or stays up too late on their phone, use it as a teaching moment rather than a punishment. Help them reflect on the consequences and guide them toward better choices next time.

5. Communicate, Don’t Control: Have open discussions instead of issuing commands. Encourage your child to think critically about their choices and ask questions about how their decisions affect their well-being.

Trust Leads to Lifelong Skills

At the end of the day, our goal as parents isn’t to control our children—it’s to prepare them for adulthood. If they leave our homes without the ability to make decisions, regulate their impulses, or navigate freedom responsibly, we haven’t truly set them up for success.

By fostering trust and allowing for self-regulation, we help our children build the skills they need to manage their own lives. Whether it’s a piece of candy in a nightstand or a major life decision, the foundation of trust we lay now will shape the adults they become.

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References

Fisher, J.O., & Birch, L.L. (1999). Restricting access to foods and children's eating. Appetite, 32(3), 405-419.

Jackson, K.M., Barnett, N.P., Colby, S.M., & Rogers, M.L. (2014). The impact of restrictive parental control on adolescent drinking behavior. Journal of Adolescent Health, 55(2), 276-283.

Lusardi, A. (2019). Financial literacy and the need for financial education: Evidence and implications. Journal of Consumer Affairs, 53(1), 3-42.

Markham, L. (2012). Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Perigee.

Greene, R. (2014). The Explosive Child. HarperCollins.

Building Trust with Our Children: The Power of Teaching Self-Regulation

Parenting is a delicate balance between guidance and control. We want to raise children who make good decisions, but we also fear what might happen if they’re given too much freedom. It’s easy to fall into the trap of restriction, keeping certain foods, activities, or choices off-limits in an effort to protect them. But what if, instead of enforcing boundaries through control, we focused on trust? What if we guided our children to develop their own self-regulation, allowing them to grow into responsible individuals who can manage their own impulses?